Middle-aged married mom looking ahead while enjoying today Maybe this is a morbid topic but FIL’s recent death along with our ages too I guess is prompting some discussions about our wishes for a time that we might not be capable of expressing them. I never have created a living will because I want to live! I figured that that is what doctors are supposed to do by default. But I didn’t think of more detailed aspects for a time when I could be bedridden and not able to either think clearly or communicate clearly. I decided that I am going to document how I want to be treated if I am ever bedridden. From getting fresh air, to music, nourishment, being at home, etc. I am going to write it down, tell my family, and show them where the file is kept.
We wrote wills almost 20 years ago. At that time we didn’t have much in the way of assets but we were concerned about our children (only two of them then) being cared for in the event that something happened to us. So we had relatively simple wills drawn up to name a guardian and to provide him with all assets and life insurance proceeds to use for providing for our children in the event that we both died. Otherwise we each left everything to the other.
Not only have we added children, but most of those children are 18+ so considered adults now, and we’ve moved to a different state. Watching both of our dads remarry after our moms died opened our eyes on how assets pass around. For example, if I died it would be fine with me for DH to remarry. But would I want my mom’s jewelry to go to his newer wife when he died later? No! I would not. So I’d like to have some possessions included in my will that would not go to DH in the event of my death if he outlives me. Also we’re seeing how very important it is that you appoint an executor that will carry out your wishes even if he doesn’t agree with them. I want to change mine now.
And on top of those things, we now live in one of the six states that has inheritance taxes for estates, even on assets (IRAs for example) that are not included in the will. The tax doesn’t apply to items inherited by spouses but it does apply to items inherited by children.
So actions for us now: (1) Rethink our second phase of retirement when we plan to downsize to a cottage. Let’s consider neighboring states that have similar climate and terrain but are more tax friendly for our family. And if one of us dies soon, God forbid, the surviving one should move. (2) Rewrite the wills this year. Plan to revisit them every 5 years – could be on all my milestone birthdays.
I’m curious to hear of your experiences with wills – creating your own or unintended consequences of others that you’ve witnessed. Anyone have a story to share?
Thinking about wills and last days
February 24th, 2020 at 09:02 pm
February 25th, 2020 at 03:30 am 1582601418
My father in law died without a will. Was no longer married. I think someone hand scribbled something that was taken to be a will, leaving all money to be divided between the seven children. My mother in law (his ex wife) was the executor, along with one sibling. Soon after that did she decide to make her own will.
A friend of my mother's just had a stroke, in her 80s, she is in assisted living. My mom is visiting regularly, but just a month in, she sees that she is getting depressed and she is not sure how well she is being cared for despite visitors. This woman really can't speak or articulate for herself.
It's just so hard to know how one's end of life will be like, but I think it wise for any of us to articulate anything that we feel is important to our care. My mother has told my daughter he can shave her head if she gets bedridden. I think she doesn't like the thought of what her hair might look like if someone else were to fix it!
February 25th, 2020 at 06:05 am 1582610754
February 25th, 2020 at 03:10 pm 1582643406
We had a friend whose mom died and his dad remarried. The will was written that his kids got the house and tools and other items, but the second wife made sure she got everything she could put her hands on. The deal with the will was the second wife could continue to live in the house as long as she was able, pay no rent to the kids, but had to pay the insurance and taxes. She decided the kids should pay it all and so they asked her to leave. It was a huge mess as she and her family tore up the house before they moved her out.
February 25th, 2020 at 04:29 pm 1582648174
February 25th, 2020 at 05:29 pm 1582651755
February 26th, 2020 at 11:37 pm 1582760222
My sister just married a little more than a year ago. She wanted to make sure that her husband's adult daughter never had access to the lawsuit money from our Dad's death in the event of my sister's death. She also drew up a will that if she dies, she only wants half of her assets to go to her husband, the rest split to her sisters, nephew and our mother.
I've told my family that my spouse should have the house if I die first. My assets will be split a majority to my son and spouse with a little to each sister.
February 28th, 2020 at 02:07 pm 1582898843
February 29th, 2020 at 09:09 pm 1583010559
When my dad passed away a bit over six years ago, he had a very out of date will (from when my brother and I were 3 and 8 ...) So since he didn't have much in the way of belongings/assets, my brother and I just sorted it out between us. We have a good relationship, so it worked out.
When my mom dies, that will be more interesting. She currently has considerable assets due to her husband dying in June. She supposedly is working with a financial advisor and has named me as the main point of contact ... but who knows if that is true or not. (She keeps saying they're going to call me. No call so far.) I fear it is going to be a mess to decipher. I *really* hope she sells the house she's in before that time comes. Hopefully it will be a long time before I have to deal with it at all.
Both of my DH's parents and siblings are already gone. So I'm the only one who has the potential for having to deal with end of life stuff for family members.